When I saw Bacardi’s new ad campaign targeting women, I noticed that Jezebel asked “why advertisers thought showing pictures of women they deem hideous along with degrading comments would make ladies line up for Bacardi.” Isn’t it obvious, girls? An advertiser has finally understood that we all live in utter fear of running into women who are hotter than ourselves! Therefore, we must only feel comfortable going out in public with friends that are obviously less hot! Don’t forget that personality never plays a role for us ladies, whether its our own, our friends, or a prospective man. What matters most when we head out with a friend is whether a guy we run into can give me the once-over and decide he’d totally love to bang me as opposed to my friend. (That’s why we ladies bother going out in public at all, mind you – so that more men can see us, thereby increasing the likelihood that at least one of them will start drooling.)
But the only way to ensure that any man even looks at me is to make sure that nobody near me looks better than I do. You see, when I’m not thinking about whether a man might find me attractive, I am thinking about how to make myself hot by any means necessary. And as we all know, the only physical attributes that are ever attractive are being a size 4 or less, a golden tan, and skin that resembles a baby’s freshly-cleaned bottom. And really, all women are simply imperfect incarnations of this goal. (Thankfully, society has finally made it attainable by inventing Botox and concealer. How did women even survive beforehand, I wonder?)
This is why I only leave my house with female friends that I have carefully scrutinized and found to be less likely to make a guy all hot and bothered than myself. I don’t ever go anywhere with my friends who share common interests with me, or make me laugh, or let me cry into whatever they happen to be wearing that day, or have the party platter scene from Clone High memorized word for word, or have admirable commitments to their passions. No, I prowl through the local Starbucks on Saturdays, hunting for women who have more physical imperfections than myself (because everything that deviates from the aforementioned description is obviously a flaw). Then, I fake my way through conversation to get them to believe I value them as people (HAHAHA!), and then take them out with me on a rotating basis so that I can get men to think about me naked (need I remind you once again that this is all I want?).
It’s so funny how Bacardi was the first company to realize that this is how female friendship really works. Normally liquor companies only feature women in ads when they’re the targets of drunk guys in one way or another. It’s so refreshing for a brand of alcohol to encourage the deep insecurity and breathtaking shallowness that defines all womankind (because we’re innately this way, you see, and none of our insecurities come from the barrage of advertising we get showing how women are supposed to look) from our own perspective and not just that of men.
Thanks, Bacardi. I didn’t know you had it in you.
